I use to have really low self-esteem. Did you know that?
So insecure and inconfident was I that I couldn't even bring myself to talk to the males species, especially the higher and hotter of the lot. ( I can imagine you gawking with your mouth hanging and your eyes wide open.) 'What? Really ar?' you say. A lot of people I meet now seem to have a huge impression that I've had had a lot of flings with guys in the past.
Truth is, I was a really shy creature.
While the girls my age then were playfully batting their pretty eyelashes and flinging thier long lucious hair at admiring boys, I cast myself along the sidelines-choosing to admire from afar than to confront the intimidating); simply because I was overly self-conscious and too shy to do anything about boys.
Back then , speaking in front of a crowd would send me hyperventilating all the way to Tinbuktu. Performing an act or a dance in front of a large audience would drive my nervous and excretory system into a state of anxiety and confusion; instead of my brain reacting to the 'public' stimuli, my urinary bladder and bowels were getting signals to release all urinary and shitty content. (which explains my ridiculous amount of visits to the bathroom before a performance; and sometimes, during a performance)
My psychology book says that self-esteem is at its lowest ebb during the high school years; which to a great extent, I believe is true. Being thirteen and being in secondary school for the first time doesn't aid much in boosting the self-esteem, unless of course you already have something strong to identify yourself with-like athletic sports, scouting skills, a great singing-voice, graceful dancing ability, or all you really need is to possess extremely charming and physically beautiful traits.(that's where you people get esteem from public attention) Undergoing psychological-bodily changes in a sudden great intensity sends us into a state of bewilderment and confusion, and raging hormones don't help either. (one classic example would be my cousin sister running up to her mom in panic, asking 'eeeehhh is something wrong with me... why got so much hair grow there one?')
So, teenagers at this point are pretty much left alone to search for their placing in their school and the society, basically, trying to find out who they are in this large, big world- what their very own identity is. Frankly speaking, it's not an easy thing to do at the age where so many new experiences are being thrown at you. I had a hard time finding out who I was, who I could grow to be, and of what stature would I stand among my peers.
If you ask me, it's a time of our lives where the wrong choice could lead to possible disaster. Being young means being naive and easily-influenced; and if you didn't know any better, you could end up selling your identity at the wrong place. If I hadn't searched for my identity in the right places then, I wouldn't be the person I am today. I probably would be still very uptight and insecure about everything and anything; no, i do not think that I would have done drugs or cigarettes or amassing numbers of boyfriends; I would probably end up in the never-ending pursuit for power and position, and I would be a really mean sister, and rebellious in every way.
I probably wouldn't care less if you came asking me to teach you additional mathematics; so long as I could crush and beat you to getting a higher score, that would give me a sense a security. (a rather false one,don't you think?)
It scares me to even think what I could possibly become if not for Jesus. Seriously, I owe it all to Jesus for all that I am today. It is in Him that I found a great sense of security, it is in His overwhelming grace and unconditional love for me that I found my true identity. And I am eternally grateful. :)
But those were the high-school years...now, being in college and pursuing a lifetime degree and career is a totally different thing. I just thank God that I'm not stuggling with much insecurity and an identity-crisis right now. But would you say that we deal with different levels of security and identities at each stage of life? Hmm, maybe so. We do have different wants and needs at each stage. Oh wells.
I think to some extent, I am still a shy person.
*shies away*
haha
I really have to go study.
Alric, you're finally showing your true colours. I always knew you were evil! call me mean somemore!!!
Kat, so funny la you!!! ahahaha of all the people to choose as your pose-lookalike! suits you very well i think! haha
